Monday, August 17, 2015

Loving from a Distance

Last month I wrote a short piece titled Compromise. This month I want to continue on that path.
Family, in particular parents, can and have determined how many of us have and continue to live our lives. If our parents were loving and supportive, it's more  likely we turned out pretty good with few issues, mental our otherwise, to speak of.
However, there is a good number of us who faced some kind of ongoing trauma and drama with our parents and within our families.
Parents, in particular, don't realize how their words can sting a child forever. They don't understand calling your child stupid doesn't help then to grow into a confident adult. That making them have an ugly green bike just because you feel like it, while all the other kids have cool ones is NOT cool at all. That asking your child were the other 2 points are when they bring home a 98 on the math test, they were suppose to fail, isn't building self confidence.
When they get older and tell you they want to become a teacher, instead of supporting them, you give them some lame excuse as to why that isn't they career for them, but come up with no alternative.
You give sporadic support and love throughout the years, though the damage was already done in their youth and you never bothered to recognize your part in it. You could never even bring yourself to be fully supportive if their live life, always mentioning how you wanted to be a grandmother, as though it was all about you.
It took your child almost dying for you to say I love you. Years later when they transitioned, into their true gender, the discussions began. They helped you understand as as they could. Gave you space to always ask questions. They thought you were the best parent because you seemed to understand where others did not.

NEVER did I think, after the strides I now realize were in my mind because I wanted to believe that you actually got me, did I think you would tell a COMPLETE stranger I use to be your daughter.
I was hurt, I was upset. I couldn't understand why you thought it was ok. It's not like we hadn't had conversations about this type of thing. It was none of this person's business. I cane home to help you in your 92 yrs of age and now you've made it impossible to do. Not just because you've brought back the pain, but because instead of talking to me about this, you've hung up on me twice.
I love you mommy and I will always love you, but I'm 51 years old. I have a major illness of my own and I refuse to waste the rest of life living in stress.
I'm finally taking the bull by the horns and living a fully authentic life no holds bar.
I love you unconditionally even if you can't return that love. I'll be a phone call away, so when you are ready to have an adult conversation, I'll be there.
I love you always.
Your son, Joshua

Friday, July 17, 2015

Compromise

Too often, in life, we allow ourselves to be compromised. We allow people to tell us who we should be and how we should live according to their standards. Day in and day out we sacrifice our happiness for the happiness of others.
We lose our authenticity. We smile on outside while being miserable on the inside. Until one day we look around and half our life is gone and we have yet to do what we desired or wanted because we were living by event else's rules and we didn't have the strength to say No.
The time is now, to take back your life. Take back your history. Stand up and live the life you were meant too live before everyone stated telling you who you were or before you felt the need to fit in with them.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What an Exciting Time

Yeah Yeah, it's been a looooong time since I have written anything, but what a great time occasion to start back.

This past weekend I attended SECC(Southern Conference of Clubs)for the first time. It was on this very same occasion I was privileged to become an official member of Mama's Family. Mama's Family is a ever growing bunch of individuals within the leather community, who believe in promoting health, safe and fun services and play throughout the US and the World.

There was a great Leather contest with some HOTT guys, with a winner that will blow away the minds of many. If you get a chance to attend IML, you will see him there. The 2nd place winner, some Latino heat, will go on to compete at ABW, in October. There were clubs from all over the East Coast present. Old Guard and New, all together having a fantastic time. I got the opportunity to hangout with some of the family and they took such good care of me and allowed me to just be me.

I cannot believe all the history and knowledge I now have at the tip of my fingers. I have so many people I can turn to with questions, its mind blowing.

SECC is one big party, so trust yours truly did get his drink on. Amazing enough, my body held up really really well. Well, until they unofficially brought me into the family with that Jaeger shot. OMG, who invented that stuff? LMAO!!! That is some serious drink. I thought we were taking Mama to her room and all of a sudden we were heading to another room, where a boy was having his pretty ass beat. When we came in Sir Bruce headed for the bottle and poured everyone a drink. Well needless to say that was the end of my night. Even Mama had to go to bed after that.

In the morning, OMG the morning, I attended my first ever SECC end of run meeting, as a representative of ONYX and then got to speak for the club at the breakfast. Oh, did I mention there was more alcohol to be had by all. This was after only one cup of coffee and only 6hrs of sleep, I think.

I want to thank Mama, for welcoming me into the family, Dakota, Kim, Dana, Hooker, Warren,Alan, Bruce, Nitro and all the rest for making my weekend one of the best ever.

Now, I'm hyped to head off to some more conference weekends ASAP.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A New Year

As I start my walk into the new year, I find myself thinking about everything that has happened throughout this year. There were many things that at first pissed me off extremely. However, now as time has gone on and Spirit has shown me many things, I remember that all things that happen are in divine order and are no more then lessons in life.

As the year went on, I thought it was going to be a wash. My intimate relationship was going down the drain, money was very slim, I was feeling like I had made a big mistake by moving to Atlanta. It wasn't until mid November that things began to change.

After a day spent with Spirit, I began to see things another way. I began to realize that life is worth living no matter what happens. That with faith, when it it is right, all things will be the way they should be.

I look forward to 2011, as I start ministerial school, plan for travel events, feel healthier then ever, move forward with positive friendships and relationships.

Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa and everyone have a great New Year

Sunday, November 21, 2010

In One Night-Giving Thanks and being Grateful

Last night, I allowed Spirit completely take me over. I hadn't done that in quite some time and frankly, it was way overdue. In doing so, I stopped being a victim. I stopped accusing others for what I had allowed them to do in the first place. In one night, I put my life back on the map and regained my purpose. In one night, I looked carefully at the relationships I have been in and especially at the one I recently finished. I took responsibility for all that I had done to mess them up. In one night, I forgave myself for allowing someone to hurt me, while they helped me. And I forgave them for hurting me, while they helped me. And yes, they did help, in many ways. Ways that could not be appreciated at the time, however, they are thought about frequently.

In one night, I regained my purpose and all that Spirit had shown many years before. I took responsibility for running away from what I have been called to do and who I have called to be. In one night, I re-membered why I was put on the path and found my old foot steps and put my feet back into them. I listened and I heard Spirit explain to me, As was explained years before, that I AM here to give the knowledge that was given to me before I got here. In one night, I regained love of myself and of others. Today, I can honestly say I feel nothing but love for everyone and everything. Today, I trust the love within me, that is Spirit and I know that unconditional love is for everyone, even when it's not expressed in the best way possible.

In one night, I give thanks and I am grateful for EVERYONE that is and has been a part of my life. I thank you for all that each of you have taught and I want you to know, That though it didn't seem like, I was paying attention and I got it.

In Love and Leather,
Boy Jah

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

FORGIVENESS

Today, I forgive myself for hurting and I forgive those who have hurt me.

Forgiveness is so important to our well being. Being able to forgive oneself and others for actions that are unlike our true selfs is most important for all of us. we live in a world full of judgment. We are forever looking at what others are doing, judging one another and hurting one another. The time is here when we must STOP ALL THE PAIN. Our kids are committing suicide, relationships are falling apart and lives are being destroyed all because we have replaced love with judgment, anger and hate.

As I write this message to others, I write it to myself, since I have committed the same mistakes as well.

I pledge to work on myself in these areas and I hope others will as well.

Thank you, God-in me, through me, as me, around me, in the name of All that is good. And so it is.

I Love You Still

A couple of days ago someone told me that I don't respect you. This person knows nothing of the past we share i.e the physical abuse, the unnecessary yelling and screaming and fighting. Then the primal love and love making. Oh, did I mention even though I was the one to leave the home, I felt abandoned when you decided to leave town. Yeah, that is pretty much where the anger came in. With everything we went through, I never ever expected you to leave town. I always thought that no matter what, you would always be within reach. That even if you had another person in your life, we would be able to meet for coffee or lunch. Not that you would be on the other side of the country or in another state.

Recently, you took something I said to you as rejection, when all I was trying to tell you is that my respect and love for you would not allow me to see you in that way, not that I didn't want us to continue. Its not how you saw it and to protect your feelings, you made me feel bad and in turn I did the same to you.

So, though I love and am in love with you without end, I now have to get use to you being out of my life in more ways then one.