In One Night-Giving Thanks and being Grateful

Last night, I allowed Spirit completely take me over. I hadn't done that in quite some time and frankly, it was way overdue. In doing so, I stopped being a victim. I stopped accusing others for what I had allowed them to do in the first place. In one night, I put my life back on the map and regained my purpose. In one night, I looked carefully at the relationships I have been in and especially at the one I recently finished. I took responsibility for all that I had done to mess them up. In one night, I forgave myself for allowing someone to hurt me, while they helped me. And I forgave them for hurting me, while they helped me. And yes, they did help, in many ways. Ways that could not be appreciated at the time, however, they are thought about frequently.

In one night, I regained my purpose and all that Spirit had shown many years before. I took responsibility for running away from what I have been called to do and who I have called to be. In one night, I re-membered why I was put on the path and found my old foot steps and put my feet back into them. I listened and I heard Spirit explain to me, As was explained years before, that I AM here to give the knowledge that was given to me before I got here. In one night, I regained love of myself and of others. Today, I can honestly say I feel nothing but love for everyone and everything. Today, I trust the love within me, that is Spirit and I know that unconditional love is for everyone, even when it's not expressed in the best way possible.

In one night, I give thanks and I am grateful for EVERYONE that is and has been a part of my life. I thank you for all that each of you have taught and I want you to know, That though it didn't seem like, I was paying attention and I got it.

In Love and Leather,
Boy Jah

FORGIVENESS

Today, I forgive myself for hurting and I forgive those who have hurt me.

Forgiveness is so important to our well being. Being able to forgive oneself and others for actions that are unlike our true selfs is most important for all of us. we live in a world full of judgment. We are forever looking at what others are doing, judging one another and hurting one another. The time is here when we must STOP ALL THE PAIN. Our kids are committing suicide, relationships are falling apart and lives are being destroyed all because we have replaced love with judgment, anger and hate.

As I write this message to others, I write it to myself, since I have committed the same mistakes as well.

I pledge to work on myself in these areas and I hope others will as well.

Thank you, God-in me, through me, as me, around me, in the name of All that is good. And so it is.

I Love You Still

A couple of days ago someone told me that I don't respect you. This person knows nothing of the past we share i.e the physical abuse, the unnecessary yelling and screaming and fighting. Then the primal love and love making. Oh, did I mention even though I was the one to leave the home, I felt abandoned when you decided to leave town. Yeah, that is pretty much where the anger came in. With everything we went through, I never ever expected you to leave town. I always thought that no matter what, you would always be within reach. That even if you had another person in your life, we would be able to meet for coffee or lunch. Not that you would be on the other side of the country or in another state.

Recently, you took something I said to you as rejection, when all I was trying to tell you is that my respect and love for you would not allow me to see you in that way, not that I didn't want us to continue. Its not how you saw it and to protect your feelings, you made me feel bad and in turn I did the same to you.

So, though I love and am in love with you without end, I now have to get use to you being out of my life in more ways then one.

Haven't Been Around for a Minute

Yes, I know I have been out of touch again. No excuses from me. I am once again going through soul searching. Re-teaching myself how to be comfortable with ALL of who I AM. I don't quite understand why I take myself through this all the time because nothing ever really changes. At the end I'm still me and ALL of who I AM is still here and still functioning. I keep forgetting that God created me to be who I AM and nothing I do is ever gonna change that. Not to mention, I really like me...LOL. My Daddy put it best when he said, 'Let just plain Joshua shine'. So, I'm gonna do that and allow the chips fall where they may.

We tend to head in the direction of living our lives the way others want us to to and we never even realize when it happens. We start to think like everyone else, act like them, make decisions like them and based on what they have taught us. Even though we see the obvious signs of their unhappiness, we continue to follow in their foot steps, thinking that somehow our lives will be different.

In the end we end up just as unhappy if not more so because there is always something inside of us trying to lead us away from the 'normal' way of doing things, but we are scared. Some people might even tell you it's the 'Devil' trying to confuse you. Actually, it can only be God trying to lead you back to your real self, so that you can once again be the happy and peaceful person God created you to be.

This is where I and so many others need to get ourselves back to; the place of pure joy and happiness. The place where no one but God(no matter what name you give me)is the source of joy and happiness. Be who you are as I AM being who I AM. Don't allow society and its 'norms' deter you from loving who you love and being who you are.

Still Here

Its been a while since I have written anything and I'm not sure what to even say now, except that I realized yesterday that I am in a mess. A mess that I have caused, no doubt. I have been in transition for a little over 10 years and I still feel like a lost lil boy. Maybe, I a really am. I am a 46 year old person, but the reality is I have lived longer as a woman then a man. I was a confident butch and yet as a man, I'm a mess and I don't know why. All I really need to be is myself and I don't understand why I am having such a hard time with that. So what, I don't have a dick, which I will never have and never want to have(Too dangerous and then I will just be like every other man). I need to be comfortable with me, who I am at this minute. I need to embrace my transgenderism more, after all it's what I tell everyone else and, of course it's true.

Today, I am no longer going to second guess myself. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Admit I made a mistake and move forward. Today, I am going to realize that I am a great catch as and ftm and whoever doesn't realize that its their lost, not mine. Today, I'm getting my swagger back and being the man I have always known I AM.

LOST IN YOU

With all that we have been through, you are still in my heart. All I can think about is being with you the way I see us in my dreams-two people enjoying each other and our daily lives. I believe that if we both think honestly about present and our future, we will see that we belong together and inspite of all that we have put each other through, we will be fine. Our lives have become intertwined with one another in a very short time. We both know how to push the buttons, whether correct or not, that get one another to react both postively and negatively. We fit like a glove and yet neither of us seem to want to admit it. Why can't we be like the other couples I've read about in our community? Why can't you allow me the Daddy I am and love me anyway? Why can't you trust that I always have your best interest in heart? Do you not see and feel the love have for you? Why does it seem like it is so easy for you to let it go, though I have and heard you cry about again and again? You are close to me and yet you seeem so far away.

We want to be together, yet we keeping pulling each other a part. When will stop being so destruct both to our and one another and just one another as we are? I continue to look forward to that day.

GOD'S PROTECTING PRESENCE IS IN ME AND AROUND ME

God's Protecting Presence is within and around me. The Creator has never left its creation. Wherever I am God is. This the truth about each of us; but I must practice this, know this, accept this, feel this so that nothing causes me to fear, to be discouraged, to panic,. I must make this firm in my mind. I must build this into my consciousness.

"God's Protecting Presence is within and around me. I will fear no evil for God is here." For those I am concerned about, I decree for them: God's Protecting Presence is with you and around you; there is nothing to fear for God is with you.

How wonderful it is to know God, the only Power and Presence is with you and is protecting you. This brings a feeling of security and tranquility. Thanks God for this awareness. Thanks God for your protecting Presence. Thank you, Wisdom-in me, through me, as me. And so it is.

"I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress; my God; in him I will trust."-Psalm 91:2(Lamsa's Aramaic Translation)

Daily Thought from the Hill
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