I'M DONE!!!

There comes a time, in life, and it can be any time, when each of us will begin to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I have reached that time. I have given as much of myself, of my peacethat I can muster. I can't do anymore. I' am tired of people continually making me feel like I am the problem and have done something wrong. Yes, I realize, in the end, it's my fault because I see stuff and I feel stuff and I ignore the red flags a lot. It's probably because at the end of the day I love people, but right now they are also getting on my last damn nerve. I can't explain how and/or why I see what I see and feel what I feel, but I can say it has caused me more pain then peace and I accept that is my role in life. People insist on pushing all the damn buttons they can reach and then reaching for those out of their reach just to push others to a breaking point. My question is WHY I mean WTF? Do people purposely reach out just so they can hurt others? Do they understand the hurt they cause and how it can effect someone in a very negative ? Do they even care? I guess they don't, but I am no longer putting myself out there. If we don't already talk, haven't spoken in the past now is not the time to do so. I have enough friends I don't need anymore.

Loving from a Distance

Last month I wrote a short piece titled Compromise. This month I want to continue on that path.
Family, in particular parents, can and have determined how many of us have and continue to live our lives. If our parents were loving and supportive, it's more  likely we turned out pretty good with few issues, mental our otherwise, to speak of.
However, there is a good number of us who faced some kind of ongoing trauma and drama with our parents and within our families.
Parents, in particular, don't realize how their words can sting a child forever. They don't understand calling your child stupid doesn't help then to grow into a confident adult. That making them have an ugly green bike just because you feel like it, while all the other kids have cool ones is NOT cool at all. That asking your child were the other 2 points are when they bring home a 98 on the math test, they were suppose to fail, isn't building self confidence.
When they get older and tell you they want to become a teacher, instead of supporting them, you give them some lame excuse as to why that isn't they career for them, but come up with no alternative.
You give sporadic support and love throughout the years, though the damage was already done in their youth and you never bothered to recognize your part in it. You could never even bring yourself to be fully supportive if their live life, always mentioning how you wanted to be a grandmother, as though it was all about you.
It took your child almost dying for you to say I love you. Years later when they transitioned, into their true gender, the discussions began. They helped you understand as as they could. Gave you space to always ask questions. They thought you were the best parent because you seemed to understand where others did not.

NEVER did I think, after the strides I now realize were in my mind because I wanted to believe that you actually got me, did I think you would tell a COMPLETE stranger I use to be your daughter.
I was hurt, I was upset. I couldn't understand why you thought it was ok. It's not like we hadn't had conversations about this type of thing. It was none of this person's business. I cane home to help you in your 92 yrs of age and now you've made it impossible to do. Not just because you've brought back the pain, but because instead of talking to me about this, you've hung up on me twice.
I love you mommy and I will always love you, but I'm 51 years old. I have a major illness of my own and I refuse to waste the rest of life living in stress.
I'm finally taking the bull by the horns and living a fully authentic life no holds bar.
I love you unconditionally even if you can't return that love. I'll be a phone call away, so when you are ready to have an adult conversation, I'll be there.
I love you always.
Your son, Joshua

Compromise

Too often, in life, we allow ourselves to be compromised. We allow people to tell us who we should be and how we should live according to their standards. Day in and day out we sacrifice our happiness for the happiness of others.
We lose our authenticity. We smile on outside while being miserable on the inside. Until one day we look around and half our life is gone and we have yet to do what we desired or wanted because we were living by event else's rules and we didn't have the strength to say No.
The time is now, to take back your life. Take back your history. Stand up and live the life you were meant too live before everyone stated telling you who you were or before you felt the need to fit in with them.

What an Exciting Time

Yeah Yeah, it's been a looooong time since I have written anything, but what a great time occasion to start back.

This past weekend I attended SECC(Southern Conference of Clubs)for the first time. It was on this very same occasion I was privileged to become an official member of Mama's Family. Mama's Family is a ever growing bunch of individuals within the leather community, who believe in promoting health, safe and fun services and play throughout the US and the World.

There was a great Leather contest with some HOTT guys, with a winner that will blow away the minds of many. If you get a chance to attend IML, you will see him there. The 2nd place winner, some Latino heat, will go on to compete at ABW, in October. There were clubs from all over the East Coast present. Old Guard and New, all together having a fantastic time. I got the opportunity to hangout with some of the family and they took such good care of me and allowed me to just be me.

I cannot believe all the history and knowledge I now have at the tip of my fingers. I have so many people I can turn to with questions, its mind blowing.

SECC is one big party, so trust yours truly did get his drink on. Amazing enough, my body held up really really well. Well, until they unofficially brought me into the family with that Jaeger shot. OMG, who invented that stuff? LMAO!!! That is some serious drink. I thought we were taking Mama to her room and all of a sudden we were heading to another room, where a boy was having his pretty ass beat. When we came in Sir Bruce headed for the bottle and poured everyone a drink. Well needless to say that was the end of my night. Even Mama had to go to bed after that.

In the morning, OMG the morning, I attended my first ever SECC end of run meeting, as a representative of ONYX and then got to speak for the club at the breakfast. Oh, did I mention there was more alcohol to be had by all. This was after only one cup of coffee and only 6hrs of sleep, I think.

I want to thank Mama, for welcoming me into the family, Dakota, Kim, Dana, Hooker, Warren,Alan, Bruce, Nitro and all the rest for making my weekend one of the best ever.

Now, I'm hyped to head off to some more conference weekends ASAP.

A New Year

As I start my walk into the new year, I find myself thinking about everything that has happened throughout this year. There were many things that at first pissed me off extremely. However, now as time has gone on and Spirit has shown me many things, I remember that all things that happen are in divine order and are no more then lessons in life.

As the year went on, I thought it was going to be a wash. My intimate relationship was going down the drain, money was very slim, I was feeling like I had made a big mistake by moving to Atlanta. It wasn't until mid November that things began to change.

After a day spent with Spirit, I began to see things another way. I began to realize that life is worth living no matter what happens. That with faith, when it it is right, all things will be the way they should be.

I look forward to 2011, as I start ministerial school, plan for travel events, feel healthier then ever, move forward with positive friendships and relationships.

Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa and everyone have a great New Year

In One Night-Giving Thanks and being Grateful

Last night, I allowed Spirit completely take me over. I hadn't done that in quite some time and frankly, it was way overdue. In doing so, I stopped being a victim. I stopped accusing others for what I had allowed them to do in the first place. In one night, I put my life back on the map and regained my purpose. In one night, I looked carefully at the relationships I have been in and especially at the one I recently finished. I took responsibility for all that I had done to mess them up. In one night, I forgave myself for allowing someone to hurt me, while they helped me. And I forgave them for hurting me, while they helped me. And yes, they did help, in many ways. Ways that could not be appreciated at the time, however, they are thought about frequently.

In one night, I regained my purpose and all that Spirit had shown many years before. I took responsibility for running away from what I have been called to do and who I have called to be. In one night, I re-membered why I was put on the path and found my old foot steps and put my feet back into them. I listened and I heard Spirit explain to me, As was explained years before, that I AM here to give the knowledge that was given to me before I got here. In one night, I regained love of myself and of others. Today, I can honestly say I feel nothing but love for everyone and everything. Today, I trust the love within me, that is Spirit and I know that unconditional love is for everyone, even when it's not expressed in the best way possible.

In one night, I give thanks and I am grateful for EVERYONE that is and has been a part of my life. I thank you for all that each of you have taught and I want you to know, That though it didn't seem like, I was paying attention and I got it.

In Love and Leather,
Boy Jah

FORGIVENESS

Today, I forgive myself for hurting and I forgive those who have hurt me.

Forgiveness is so important to our well being. Being able to forgive oneself and others for actions that are unlike our true selfs is most important for all of us. we live in a world full of judgment. We are forever looking at what others are doing, judging one another and hurting one another. The time is here when we must STOP ALL THE PAIN. Our kids are committing suicide, relationships are falling apart and lives are being destroyed all because we have replaced love with judgment, anger and hate.

As I write this message to others, I write it to myself, since I have committed the same mistakes as well.

I pledge to work on myself in these areas and I hope others will as well.

Thank you, God-in me, through me, as me, around me, in the name of All that is good. And so it is.

I Love You Still

A couple of days ago someone told me that I don't respect you. This person knows nothing of the past we share i.e the physical abuse, the unnecessary yelling and screaming and fighting. Then the primal love and love making. Oh, did I mention even though I was the one to leave the home, I felt abandoned when you decided to leave town. Yeah, that is pretty much where the anger came in. With everything we went through, I never ever expected you to leave town. I always thought that no matter what, you would always be within reach. That even if you had another person in your life, we would be able to meet for coffee or lunch. Not that you would be on the other side of the country or in another state.

Recently, you took something I said to you as rejection, when all I was trying to tell you is that my respect and love for you would not allow me to see you in that way, not that I didn't want us to continue. Its not how you saw it and to protect your feelings, you made me feel bad and in turn I did the same to you.

So, though I love and am in love with you without end, I now have to get use to you being out of my life in more ways then one.

Haven't Been Around for a Minute

Yes, I know I have been out of touch again. No excuses from me. I am once again going through soul searching. Re-teaching myself how to be comfortable with ALL of who I AM. I don't quite understand why I take myself through this all the time because nothing ever really changes. At the end I'm still me and ALL of who I AM is still here and still functioning. I keep forgetting that God created me to be who I AM and nothing I do is ever gonna change that. Not to mention, I really like me...LOL. My Daddy put it best when he said, 'Let just plain Joshua shine'. So, I'm gonna do that and allow the chips fall where they may.

We tend to head in the direction of living our lives the way others want us to to and we never even realize when it happens. We start to think like everyone else, act like them, make decisions like them and based on what they have taught us. Even though we see the obvious signs of their unhappiness, we continue to follow in their foot steps, thinking that somehow our lives will be different.

In the end we end up just as unhappy if not more so because there is always something inside of us trying to lead us away from the 'normal' way of doing things, but we are scared. Some people might even tell you it's the 'Devil' trying to confuse you. Actually, it can only be God trying to lead you back to your real self, so that you can once again be the happy and peaceful person God created you to be.

This is where I and so many others need to get ourselves back to; the place of pure joy and happiness. The place where no one but God(no matter what name you give me)is the source of joy and happiness. Be who you are as I AM being who I AM. Don't allow society and its 'norms' deter you from loving who you love and being who you are.

Still Here

Its been a while since I have written anything and I'm not sure what to even say now, except that I realized yesterday that I am in a mess. A mess that I have caused, no doubt. I have been in transition for a little over 10 years and I still feel like a lost lil boy. Maybe, I a really am. I am a 46 year old person, but the reality is I have lived longer as a woman then a man. I was a confident butch and yet as a man, I'm a mess and I don't know why. All I really need to be is myself and I don't understand why I am having such a hard time with that. So what, I don't have a dick, which I will never have and never want to have(Too dangerous and then I will just be like every other man). I need to be comfortable with me, who I am at this minute. I need to embrace my transgenderism more, after all it's what I tell everyone else and, of course it's true.

Today, I am no longer going to second guess myself. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Admit I made a mistake and move forward. Today, I am going to realize that I am a great catch as and ftm and whoever doesn't realize that its their lost, not mine. Today, I'm getting my swagger back and being the man I have always known I AM.

LOST IN YOU

With all that we have been through, you are still in my heart. All I can think about is being with you the way I see us in my dreams-two people enjoying each other and our daily lives. I believe that if we both think honestly about present and our future, we will see that we belong together and inspite of all that we have put each other through, we will be fine. Our lives have become intertwined with one another in a very short time. We both know how to push the buttons, whether correct or not, that get one another to react both postively and negatively. We fit like a glove and yet neither of us seem to want to admit it. Why can't we be like the other couples I've read about in our community? Why can't you allow me the Daddy I am and love me anyway? Why can't you trust that I always have your best interest in heart? Do you not see and feel the love have for you? Why does it seem like it is so easy for you to let it go, though I have and heard you cry about again and again? You are close to me and yet you seeem so far away.

We want to be together, yet we keeping pulling each other a part. When will stop being so destruct both to our and one another and just one another as we are? I continue to look forward to that day.

GOD'S PROTECTING PRESENCE IS IN ME AND AROUND ME

God's Protecting Presence is within and around me. The Creator has never left its creation. Wherever I am God is. This the truth about each of us; but I must practice this, know this, accept this, feel this so that nothing causes me to fear, to be discouraged, to panic,. I must make this firm in my mind. I must build this into my consciousness.

"God's Protecting Presence is within and around me. I will fear no evil for God is here." For those I am concerned about, I decree for them: God's Protecting Presence is with you and around you; there is nothing to fear for God is with you.

How wonderful it is to know God, the only Power and Presence is with you and is protecting you. This brings a feeling of security and tranquility. Thanks God for this awareness. Thanks God for your protecting Presence. Thank you, Wisdom-in me, through me, as me. And so it is.

"I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress; my God; in him I will trust."-Psalm 91:2(Lamsa's Aramaic Translation)

Daily Thought from the Hill
www.hillsidechapel.org

INFINITE INTELLIGENCE ACTS THROUGH ME AND MAKES RIGHT DECISIONS

Frequently we find ourselves at a crossroad and we do not know which way to turn. We may be given the right direction. The inner voice may be telling us which way to go, but we are disobedient. We doubt the answer we have received. We have not practiced and developed listening to the still small voice and following its direction. We doubt our ability to make right choices and take right action. We should practice going in silence.

Relax, become still. Recognize the Presence of God. "God, reveal to me what I need to know about the situation? God, what is the first step I should take? God, what is the truth about this situation?" Expect an answer. You will receive an answer. "I am one with Divine Mind. I know what to do and I do it." Thanks God for answered prayer. Thank you, Wisdom-in me, through me, as me. And so it is.

"And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy your soul with rich food; and strengthen your bones; and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring whose water fails not."-Isaiah 58:11(Lamsa's Aramaic Translation)

Daily Thoughts from the Hill
www.hillsidechapel.org

GOD WILL SEE ME THROUGH

You may be in a situation and you feel insecure, depressed, not knowing which way to turn. Your Father-Mother-God, who knows all, can do it all, is everywhere present, is waiting for you to ask and listen so He can help you. If you do not listen, you will not hear. Take time to be still. God will see you through. It is not God's will that any of His children should perish.

He wants you to enjoy good health. He wants you to be prosperous. He wants you to express His attributes. God will see you through, no matter what it is. He is able and willing. Let it go. Thank you, Wisdom-in me, through me, as me. And so it is.

"For the mountains shall be brought low and the hills bent downward; but my kindness shall not depart from you, neither shall the covenant of your peace be removed, says the Lord, the Merciful One."-Isaiah 54:10(Lamsa's Aramaic Translation)

Daily Thoughts from the Hill
www.hillsidechapel.org

Tiger gets Scolded by Masters Chairman-Who Cares?

The Chairman of the Master's Golf Tournament has taken it upon himself to scold Tiger and say he isn't a good role model. Frankly, who gives a damn. The only role our children should have are their parents and no is paying enough attention to them to make sure they are doing a good job. Why- because everyone is concentrating on what Tiger, Paris and Sandra and Jesse James are up to today. If it's not them then it is some other celebrity who is on our brain. tiger shouldn't be a role model; Charles Barkley once said, when approached with a statement about being a role model, 'I'm no damn role model. Parents are suppose to be the role models.' We need to put as much energy into making sure parents are performing up to the standards we set for celebrities, officials and politician. If we did the world might be a better place.

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/en/entry?entryID=3871241&sp=true

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/en/entry?entryID=3871241&sp=true

Which of Me Is More Important? All of ME

This weekend i wanted and needed to take time to figure out what i need to do with myself and how to proceed within the ministry i have been given to care for. as i proceed within my leather life, i have begun to see many changes within myself. i have, yes Goddess, tried to fight them, not in the most pleasant of ways and am becoming unsuccessful at trying to fight off what is an obvious part of self. though the initial part of my ministry was geared towards the transgender community only, i have lately been attracting questions from many within the leather lifestyle. T/they have been mostly African American submissives, who i guess feel comfortable speaking with another submissive, in ministry. within our leather community i have noticed that submissives may only feel comfortable asking certain things of other submissives and questions of Spirituality are and can be quite personal. some Dominants either do not have the proper answers and because of that feel the need to throw their Dominance around when it is actually a time that requires compassion and understanding. so, that may be another reason God has placed me here.

i say all of this to say that my audience has either changed or expanded and i am, admittingly, at a crossroads and honestly a bit confused. i am still relatively new to the leather community, but not to ministry and workings of God. i have learned, for the most part, to go with the flow. i will admit, though, i am at a lost on how to proceed from this point. it is important for me to bring freedom of spirituality to as many people as i possibly can and if God is showing me that a certain venue is taken care of and/or closed, i am willing to go in the direction that is needed of me at this time. there is also the possibility that God is showing me that i need to widen my work and that i am not meant to focus on just one group of people, but on all that require my help(that may require a name change of my ministry...LOL).

it is also a way for me to deal with the feelings and situations that i have had bottled up within me for a long time. many people will find some things i will soon do unpleasant and difficult to handle, but i put nothing past God when HE needs U/us to take a better look at how W/we view others around U/us.

getting back on topic, if i ever really got off-i am also aware that many transgender people of color are not yet ready to move away from the traditions of church, even within the LGB&T church communities. those individuals of color(not necessarily transgender)within the leather community seem to be more open minded and are willing to follow different paths of spirituality. they understand the connection between spirituality& bdsm/kink/leather.

to this end, it is time for me to decide where and how to move forward with The Joshua TransGeneration. i do feel the need to concentrate on those within my leather community. whether this what will happen has not yet been decided, but the final decision will soon be made. if you have an opinion, feel free to let me know.

Pregnant Transmen????

There is now a '2nd' trans man that has decided, for whatever reason, to make their pregnancy public. Some, in the transgender community, are outraged and others have been understanding or at least have thrown out the 'its his body to do with as he wishes' words of support. Some have even gone as far as to get upset because a radio commentator has spoken his feelings on the air. Well, I know we are talking about it, so why shouldn't they?

I have to admit to being torn. On one hand, I'm like it is his body. However, I'm also thinking about our community overall and how much work goes into our very existence every single day. Many of us have worked real hard at gaining respect for our decision to change sex and gender and to educate everyone on what that means. We are still in the throws of fighting for job, housing, marriage and bathroom equality. Now, once again, someone has chosen a bad time to stop up the drain with their own personal agenda, not thinking about how it will effect the community overall.

This is no different then how many people in communities of color respond when someone does something that will inevitably cast a shadow of doubt on us all. You can say what you want, but you know it is the same feeling and its not a good one. A transgender sistah of mine asked me yesterday, 'why can't a man just be a man?' Well, this is another difference between the white community and the POC community.
When we, as people of color, decide to change our gender, for the most part we stick to it pretty damn heavy.

We have stated emphatically that we are MEN just like other men and now we are saying what? That we can have babies anytime we want. So, we are not like other men, i guess. I know my Mistress would say that we aren't because if we were she would not have me in her bed or having sex with me. So, we are different? I know when I 'knew' I was a man, having a baby wasn't anywhere in my plans because I didn't grow up around men getting pregnant, but I guess the world is changing. The question is still what will these changes cost us?

Loss of a Friend

Yesterday we commemorated the life of Martin Luther King Jr, who gave himself in service so others could live a better life. Well on January 14, the transgender community lost a man, Dr. Maxwell Anderson, who also lived a life in service. Maxwell helped so many people transgender and allies, to live a better life. Maxwell was is well known for partaking in Southern comfort, a documentary that focused on Robert Eads a transgender man who died of ovarian cancer. Robert and Maxwell were good friends. Actually Maxwell past almost ten years to the day that Robert did. It is the belief of many that Robert and Maxwell are enjoying each others company, probably throwing back a few beers, looking down on us and cracking up at all the hoopla everyone is going through.

It was indeed to be able to call Maxwell friend and I am sure many are able to that. He was the type of person, who you felt warm and fuzzy with immediately after meeting him. He was always enjoying life and those around him. Maxwell loved deep and hard and it showed in all he did and that was done for him. Tomorrow we will all gather to say our final good byes to Maxwell, trusting and believing that he is and will continue to walk with us in all we do.

The best way to continue Maxwell's legacy is to continue to help one another be the best we can be.

Jesus-Perfect Example of a Good Bottom

There has always been a big divide between the so called 'Religious community' and those they consider us to be 'sinners'. I'm sure because of this I will get some flack for this blog, even from those who consider themselves liberal minded. When it comes to BDSM, many have no idea who we are or how we truly live. As a submissive in the Leather/BDSM/ Kink community, it is clear to me that Jesus was a perfect example of obedience to a Daddy/Dominant/Master. Jesus accepted his calling in life as one who was meant to serve and did so with no question and very little resistance. In a short story written by Phoenix Flora for the book Some Women, she writes: The crucifixion. "What better example is there of how to be a good little boy for your daddy than our very own Jesus of Nazareth. The details could fill a thousand fantasies. The soldiers-UNIFORMS- blindfolded him and tied him up. They dressed him in drag. Then they stripped him of his clothes in front of a multitude of people. Then...then those big hunky soldiers beat the daylights out of him. Blood dripping down his body...Crack! Every Easter we are reminded of his masochism. We celebrate it. But we mustn't forget his humiliation amidst all this delicious pain. Oh no. The people gathered and laughed at him, called him names. They spat on him, made him grovel on the ground. He submitted to all of these things, not arguing with any of them, just to please his daddy. Yes, that's right, just to please his daddy. Teach me to be like you, Jesus. We should all be such good bottoms."